Where’s the blue sky?

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This low is hitting me with full force now. Since Christmas Day when I broke down in tears and just wanted to be in bed. And after making the right decision for me to go back on my anti-depressants, the force of this low is really beginning to takes its toll.

I feel like I am numb, whilst some of the side effects of my tablets have worn off either them or the depression has settled into its distinctive routine. Moulded around my usual school run routine I get up and get the girls ready and off to school, yet as soon as I drop them off I sink into an unmotivated heap. Usually involving taking a nap or trudging through depending on my day.
Anxiety makes me want to skip food and I can’t even taste food at the moment. It’s like my tastebuds have gone awol. Even if I do force myself to eat just so the rumbles in my tummy are put at bay then I can’t appreciate what I’ve eaten. Cooking is barely on the agenda despite the online shop arriving. I can’t even think about what to cook.

Close friends know I’m going through a difficult patch but it’s still hard to maintain that smile. I literally feel like I want to curl up and sleep for a month.

My energy levels are really flagging and even a rare blue sky day last week could shift my mood and encourage me to get outside.
I’m hoping a walk with a friend and dog in the countryside later this week might just be a good start. I’m going to see my mum at the weekend without the children so hoping that a bit of TLC and being around my old home town might give my energy a kick in the right direction.

I haven’t worn make up for weeks and today after getting dressed in a shirt instead of my usual jumper my daughter asked me if I was wearing a new shirt! I know my self care hasn’t been high on my agenda but I did go and get a massage today; cashing in a birthday voucher I’ve had for ages. The massage although good, just left me sleepy rather than relaxed as my brain couldn’t switch off.

I wish I could just shake this feeling off. I know that it will pass almost unnoticed like a rainy day after a drought I will suddenly think oh I’ve not had a bad day for a while. I won’t give it more than a momentary glance. But for now I know I need to close ranks and give myself the best self care possible.

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