This happened a few weeks ago during the Easter break. Rest assured I’m fine now but the experience left me exhausted.
I feel “on edge” my mind is playing tricks on my memory. It claims it can’t see things; for example an item of clothing I had just bought from the shops. I looked in all the places, I remember the children playing with the packet, I ask, I accuse, I rant and rave and feel stupid. “I have literally just brought these in from the car, WHERE CAN THEY BE?” I feel so cross with myself. Why didn’t I keep hold of them and put them in the place I want to find it? Then I stop looking. Half and hour later I am sat on my bed chatting with my youngest and I turn to look at something near my bedside and I spot them. Placed as I would have placed them. I realise I had brought them up to the bedroom with me and put them there. More guilt. More shaking of my head, I had looked everywhere why couldn’t I even remember that I did this?
Fast forward to the next morning and we are on a road trip off to visit family for the weekend. I’m anxious, have remembered to pack everything? What do I need to take? Etc.
We leave and start to drive, the girls enjoy tucking into their snack bag despite only just finishing breakfast at home, we ease into the journey and the girls are settling into the adventure. Hubby and are are enjoying chatting. I am still feeling anxious and on edge, quite emotional but trying to hide it. As we talk we get a little heated in our conversation and I end up getting emotional. My eldest picks up on it and strokes my head. They become the adults in the car asking us to be nice to each other. It wasn’t that heated but it’s nice that they know us well enough to understand. And we simmer down, and hold hands.
Then I hear something, a cracking or heavy rain tapping sound. It isn’t raining. I have been looking throughout the journey at a small chip/crack in our front windscreen knowing I/we should have dealt with it when it a stone hit our window from a truck a couple of weeks ago. Last time this happened the screen developed a huge crack and since then I’ve always worried that it could shatter into tiny pieces.
So there I am sat in the front passenger seat in a highly emotional and anxious state when I hear this cracking sound. My mind goes into complete overdrive and I imagine the worse. That the windscreen is cracking I look and see cracks appearing everywhere. I cover my eyes with my hands, telling my husband to pull over quickly because the window is going to crack and glass with fly in on us. He slows down checking the road and the windscreen. He sees nothing. My eyes are closed but I’m still telling him it’s going to crack. Then he tells me calmly it’s not cracking it’s fine. I look. I believe him and burst into tears. My mind is playing tricks on me again.
And then I am fine.
My 3 little things…
Three names I go by:
Three places I have lived:
Three places I have worked:
1. Local authority
2. Private sector
3. Charity sector
Three things I love to watch:
1. My children sleeping
2. The penine hills
Three things I love to hear
1. My children sleeping
2. The waves
Three things I love to smell
1. Freshly mown grass
2. The sea
3. My children
Three things I love to feel under my feet
2. The sea
3. Soft fur
Three places I have been:
Three things I love to eat:
1, afternoon tea
3. Greek food
Three favourite drinks:
1. Earl grey tea
2. Red wine
3. Hot chocolate
Three things I am looking forward to:
1. Seeing my children grow up
2. Growing old with my husband
3. Exploring the world
Why do I want you to know all this?
In the time that I have saved this tagged social media challenge the 3 things have somehow become 4 but I’m not going to change my list. I’m not sure why it came about and what its intention is. Maybe it’s to impress our friends or maybe it’s to inform our Facebook friends who might not know us at all to get to know us better? Who knows.
There seems to be a running theme through mine of relationships and yearning for the peace of nature. I know I certainly crave peace and quiet yet at the same time love seeing my children discover nature. Seeing them take delight in handling garden snails this week was lovely. On the other hand it’s the school holidays and hearing them argue and whine was not so lovely. It’s a fine line as I love them to bits but know that I am feeling unable to deal with the parenting at times is hard. I know that I’m not a “bad mum” as many others feel this way too with or without suffering from anxiety or having Pnd. I even asked my daughter today “am I such a bad mum?” She was quick to say ” no you’re a good mummy because you love us”. For that I am relieved and know that it’s only me who judges myself so harshly.
I’ve been staying at my mums house in rural Cheshire for a week now, making the most of home cooked food and Nana for entertainment for the children.
However the wifi or should I say lack of is definitely frustrating to say the least! It has however, ensured that I have remained “present” and not just given my children my presence and my mind on Facebook.
In the tiny area in the house that does means I can access Facebook or the Internet, usually it also means that I am contorting myself between edge of the bed and window in all manner of positions my husband thinks it’s his lucky day! I therefore have been “liking” things and as I can’t download or watch anything so I am saving a lot of articles to read when I get back to the land of communication and 24 hour supermarkets and 6am-11pm corner shops, oh and petrol stations that don’t close at 8pm at night!!
I am using my new “free time” to write copious notes on my phone, letters I want to send and new blogs.
I have also enjoyed meeting up with friends who I have known for 20+ years. It’s those friendships that you don’t have to say anything or maybe have not seen each other for quite a few years and you can just snap back into the banter. And the northerners have a lot of banter. I’ve also according to my husband sound more “Manc” as the week has gone on. Talking at a exhibition on the PANDAS charity stand to lots of lovely families from the North I think helped in that respect too!
I find myself thinking what if I still lived up here. Would my life have been different? Undoubtedly. Do I miss it? Yes and no. It’s not just the broadband which is slow, the pace of life is too. You can’t just pop out to the shops, particularly where my mum lives, the corner shop is a 5mile drive but takes about 10 minutes down the country lanes. 5miles in London would take me probably to Kings Cross or maybe even more central and definitely wouldn’t take me 10 minutes. If you haven’t got something in the house to eat a take away delivery is likely to get to you cold and congealed and be longer to get to you than if you were to cook something yourself.
You get more choice of foods and sundries down in London but have we been spoiled by having a corner shop which sells lemons and olives?(essential forgotten items for a greek BBQ). But I remember trying to by sanitary towels and nappies a few years ago and I might as well got the Terry’s cloth nappies and nappy pins out, to cover both my needs!
What I do love is the peacefulness, we can go for country walks down the lanes and only meet a cyclist and a few cows. The girls enjoy being outside more and even just took a small trowel out on their walk and “dig for treasure”. A pair of metal glasses frames, crockery and button were in their haul this time and they then returned home delighted to have got their boots so muddy they walked home with one boot on and one sock on! Maybe this is the start of an interest in archeology or
mud-larking or just them loving the idea of getting mucky, which is probably more likely!
I love the fact that my mum was fortuitous enough to keep lots of my old toys and games and now the girls are at an age to enjoy them. I’m still remembering the rules even if I am a bit rusty. It’s been fun watching them discover things for themselves.
It’s sometimes good to take an enforced break from your fast paced world. It’s important to take stock and reevaluate what you do and why you do it. Why do I cram everything into one day or the weekend or the holidays? Why do I want to do lots of things or go to lots of events? Do I have a severe case of FOMO? Fear Of Missing Out or is it more that I don’t want to let that control go and have that spontaneity of seeing what can happen if there isn’t a plan? Perhaps that’s a challenge I should do? I shall challenge myself to it but maybe not just yet! I will also challenge myself to let my children dress me for a day/week. I think that’s sounds fun maybe those should be planned for the unplanned week. Oh wait thats me planning again!!
Oh well! Plans will be plans and life will be life. And I plan to enjoy my life.
Catching your tears
Catching your cold
Catching when you jump
Catching you when you fall
Catching your heart when it’s broken in two
Catching my breath when you make me so proud of what you do
Catching your eye when it’s twinkling with mischief
Catching your smile when you’re pretending to be grumpy
Catching you sleeping when you should be awake
Catching you awake when you should be asleep
Catching yourself when you’re looking at me
Catching me seeing me in you
Catching you dancing
Catching you playing
Catching you laughing
Catching you daydreaming
One day I won’t be there to catch you my darling but that’s not to say you’ll not feel me trying.
For today you are my child and tomorrow I will be forever in your heart.
I tend to think a lot, some would say I over analyse, you’ve probably got that about me by now reading my blog posts. Analysing and over thinking is one of my traits that come hand in hand with my anxiety.
During my PND months that overthinking would mean me going over conversations or situations that I had had that day and thinking could I have said anything or done anything different? Did that person take offence at what I had said? Would they then think I am a shit friend and then tell others who would then think I was not right to be in the friendship group? I would be awake in the wee small hours of the morning having fed my baby, all the household were snoring away and I would be compiling a letter in my head to send to someone who was going through relationship difficulties.
I would find it easier thinking about words in letter form than conversation, perhaps it’s because things can be said in a letter that are clear and concise. The reader can read the words and know that whatever they think those words in that letter can’t be interrupted or go off track as often happens in conversation, particularly with the tone or meaning misinterpreted. With a letter it is there is black and white and can be read to make sure you know the full meaning of the thoughts the sender had.
I still write letters in my head but now I also tend to write them down too. Blogging has definitely helped me try and get topics that have been going round in my head, out of my head. Even if it is just a phrase that I’ve thought of I write it down, store it in my notes on my phone and I then can come back to it another time. The title of this post is a prime example of this. “Letters I have not sent” has been stored in my notes for a few weeks, knowing I want to write something but not entirely sure what. Until I get to a point that I know. Often I don’t and in this case I’m sat in my children’s room at 5.45am hoping they will go back to sleep mulling over my phone notes when I spotted this working title.
Writing thoughts down certainly helped my husband understand how I was feeling and still does. He’s the type of person that once something is said or done it’s over with. Conversation closed. I on the other hand am like a dog with a bone and won’t let go of the conversation until I’ve finished with it. Our arguments can be very frustrating! But at the end of the day I like to think that if he reads my words then at least he can have time to ponder of them, he then usually says I’m over analysing or reading too much into something but I trust him and know that he would and is always there to support me.
The art of letter writing could be dying out especially when we are within the social media and technology of change but there is something to be said for receiving a handwritten letter for which the recipient can understand the care and thought that went into it. I don’t receive too many but the times when friends and family have taken the time to write a letter have had the most impact on me and I feel honoured to have received them. I also always return the courtesy and write back.
So perhaps it’s time we put pen to paper once more and send someone a letter they didn’t know they were going to love receiving.
I went to toddler group when recovering from my psychotic episode. It had taken all my strength to go there. As part of my exposure therapy, I had to build up spending time with joe on my own each …
Source: Helga, can you come and iron this depression out of me please ? This bloody stigma has creased me all up again