Emotional roller coaster

 

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This happened a few weeks ago during the Easter break. Rest assured I’m fine now but the experience left me exhausted.
I feel “on edge” my mind is playing tricks on my memory. It claims it can’t see things; for example an item of clothing I had just bought from the shops. I looked in all the places, I remember the children playing with the packet, I ask, I accuse, I rant and rave and feel stupid. “I have literally just brought these in from the car, WHERE CAN THEY BE?” I feel so cross with myself. Why didn’t I keep hold of them and put them in the place I want to find it? Then I stop looking. Half and hour later I am sat on my bed chatting with my youngest and I turn to look at something near my bedside and I spot them. Placed as I would have placed them. I realise I had brought them up to the bedroom with me and put them there. More guilt. More shaking of my head, I had looked everywhere why couldn’t I even remember that I did this?

Fast forward to the next morning and we are on a road trip off to visit family for the weekend. I’m anxious, have remembered to pack everything? What do I need to take? Etc.
We leave and start to drive, the girls enjoy tucking into their snack bag despite only just finishing breakfast at home, we ease into the journey and the girls are settling into the adventure. Hubby and are are enjoying chatting. I am still feeling anxious and on edge, quite emotional but trying to hide it. As we talk we get a little heated in our conversation and I end up getting emotional. My eldest picks up on it and strokes my head. They become the adults in the car asking us to be nice to each other. It wasn’t that heated but it’s nice that they know us well enough to understand. And we simmer down, and hold hands.

Then I hear something, a cracking or heavy rain tapping sound. It isn’t raining. I have been looking throughout the journey at a small chip/crack in our front windscreen knowing I/we should have dealt with it when it a stone hit our window from a truck a couple of weeks ago. Last time this happened the screen developed a huge crack and since then I’ve always worried that it could shatter into tiny pieces.
So there I am sat in the front passenger seat in a highly emotional and anxious state when I hear this cracking sound. My mind goes into complete overdrive and I imagine the worse. That the windscreen is cracking I look and see cracks appearing everywhere. I cover my eyes with my hands, telling my husband to pull over quickly because the window is going to crack and glass with fly in on us. He slows down checking the road and the windscreen. He sees nothing. My eyes are closed but I’m still telling him it’s going to crack. Then he tells me calmly it’s not cracking it’s fine. I look. I believe him and burst into tears. My mind is playing tricks on me again.

And then I am fine.

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