The Tunnel


You know you have entered it, it feels cold, it smells damp, the walls echo, your eyes are adjusting to the lack of light yet drawn to the speck of light at the end. The walls seem like they are closing in on you as your footsteps echo off the brick.
You think to yourself, it isn’t far, it won’t take me long and you dream about the exit at the end.

A little while in, your body has adjusted to the temperature, your eyes adjusted to the dark. Then you turn to see how far you’ve come. The entrance seems still quite near and you turn to see the end of the tunnel. It’s almost jumped further away. How can that be? I’ve walked for a while, the end should be closer.

You continue, determined and then rest, you’re in the middle. Your ears straining to hear the birds at either end of the tunnel. Your eyes sick of seeing the small circles of light you could walk either way now. Back where you came, it’s familiar, you know it. Or carry on, to a new place. It looks nice, but will it be the same? Do you want it to be the same? Your heart is racing you can almost feel the walls closing in. Your ears filling with the muffled pounding of your heart beating. Your throat dry from your heavy breathing. The sound of your footsteps getting quicker. You turn to look behind you, yes the entrance is further away.

Now your eyes are adjusting to the light at the end of the tunnel. Your face starts to feel the heat from the sun the bricks start to take on their red colour again, you can almost smell the fresher air.

Then you are blinded by the light, the intensity of the contrast of your environment your senses are experiencing is almost overwhelming. You want to look at everything but can’t. Then slowly you open your eyes and see.

See the light bounce off the trees, feel the warmth on your face, smell the lush green foliage. Then you are greeted by your friends and loved ones cheering, hugging you .

Saying, you’ve made it, you did it, we’re so proud of you. You’ve walked out of the darkness and here you are. We’ve missed you.
We love you.



Finding the right words


I can’t watch the news
I can’t even speak to. My children about what’s going on in the world How can I when I don’t understand it myself?

It frightens me, it makes me feel anxious, it makes me worry for my safety and of the safety of my loved ones, family and friends. I can’t tell them or let them see because I can’t explain it. Children like, no need to know they are safe and that as a parent we are that safe place and their home is their safe space. There’s too much sadness in the world and how can I explain why people do what they do to others because they believe they are right in what they think or do, say or believe in. As a parent I think I am right, as a child they think they are right but what right to others think they have to extinguish that right.

Inexplicable events of nature, we can teach our children to think about their safety but sometimes the unthinkable happens. A split decision, a unthought about action means that lives are changed forever. Animals and nature that we live harmoniously alongside each other suddenly changes in a second. Fire, flood, winds or shaking earth can happen, sometimes they go unnoticed and other times they can happen right in front of you and have a profound effect on you for the rest of your life.

We can only do what is humanly possible and that is the very best we can. We can only protect the same amount, we can only plan for the events which we have prepared for. We cannot know the Unknown, think the unthinkable and for that we must take solace and comfort in.

Worrying does not take these events away nor does it stop them from happening. We can only do what we can to educate ourselves and our children to be the best they can and know that if anything does happen to look for the helpers.

Look for those people who in those unthinkable situations shine out like a beacon. Who are the lovers of life and not the haters. We can only hope that we can protect our children from the Unknown events that might occur in their lives but we can strive to instil in them the core skills to listen to their instincts to become the helpers and protect others as we as parents are protecting them.

It may be that I need to address my fears of wanting to protect my children through hiding the nasty and scary events that happen in our world, our country, our lives. Sooner or later they will ask, they will tell me and I will need to find the right words to say.

Living with Anxiety

I know myself what terrible anxiety and social anxiety feels like. I know how you feel physically ill, guilty as hell and whatever decision you make you cant stop thinking about it. You over analyse, feel guilty that you’ve let people down and feel angry that the anxiety has won. You feel embarrassed that you have something unseen and quite illogical that can be totally debilitating to your mental, physical and emotional well being. You struggle to understand it yourself let alone thinking how your friends and family can even start to understand it. Combine this with thousands of fans in One Direction singer Zayn Malik’s case for not making his appearance on stage. The next line would usually be I can only imagine how he is feeling but actually I know exactly how he is feeling right now. I have felt it myself and I know I will feel it again. Sometimes my mind can override the illogical thoughts that try to break me other times I can’t and have to succumb to them.