How would you score on a parenting quiz?


Ever done one of those social media quizzes? Apparently I’m a unicorn, extrovert with anxiety, who grew up in the ’80’s. Is one of the top 5% of the population who can truly say they are a 100% fan of the sound of music and dirty dancing and didn’t watch all the ’80’s coming of age movies because I was too busy dancing to Wham and Madonna!

I was thinking what if we had a parenting quiz, would we all get 100%? Congrats You are a rocking mama, well done you’re doing okay with this parenting malarkey, keep going you’re doing just fine, or lastly drinking wine and eating chocolate in the bathroom? Congrats you’re 150% rocking parenting!!

What would the questions be?

Your baby just burped up a bit of sick on them and you, do you
a) give the baby and you a complete change of clothes
b) change just the stained clothes
c) give the clothes a wipe and carry on
d) change the baby but figure out you’ve it a couple of days wear in those jeggings?!

There are so many parenting bloggers out there who capture perfectly the humour which is essential when you’re a parent.
Links some of my favourites are below.

Humour and the ability to laugh at what can be excruciatingly embarrassing situations is definitely required the moment you set foot on the road to parenting.

From the ridiculous advice in a contraception book that after the deed is done or the seed is sown so to speak, the female should raise her legs above her head to ensure that the little swimmers are swimming in the right direction. I mean what???!! But yes I did do this!

Predictions of the baby’s gender that you are given by well meaning strangers. For a time when I knew what we were having I did enjoy the secret of knowing whilst they scrutinised my bump and gave me their unasked for prediction.

The “poonami” moments when the breaking of wind by your darling girl not only makes heads turn but you start to feel the seepage of the explosion through into your clothes. Everyone tells you you need a change bag full of the entire baby’s wardrobe but never to put a spare top in there for you. So whilst you have a newly changed sweetsmelling baby you can still smell the poo as you’re now wearing it. If you don’t laugh during this moment you will surely cry.

The toddler tantrum moments when your child seems to think that by lying on the supermarket floor you will give in to their demands for the essential Thomas the tank engine magazine. Which essentially comprises of pages and pages of pictures and words which they cannot read yet as they are only 2 but they have been lured by the “free gift” on the front which consists of some form of plastic tat in the shape of a train. Therefore your magazine with the “free gift” should really be referred to as the plastic tat with the “free magazine” that costs £3.99. So no it is not free and nor is it of any use. The said plastic tat toy will be held until the next bribe moment comes along and then discarded and forgotten about until the very moment that they are going to bed whereby this plastic tat will become the deal breaker of getting into bed. Found in the nick of time your toddler will go to sleep happy in the knowledge that they will have their toy close to them. Needless to say it will fall out of their bed only for your bare feet to find at 3am when they have awoken screaming for you. Ouch.

Now the moment comes when you have to relinquish your hold on your little one and hand over the reins to the education establishment.
Nursery  or childminders are magic fairies who will know in depth about you and your family because your chatty toddler would have told them about you farting in bed, singing in the shower or you letting them eat food off the floor that has been dropped. What gems they are all told when we are out of earshot. However we first have to go through the heart wrenching experience of dropping them off. The worry, the emotional torment of needing to be somewhere else whilst someone else is paid to look after your little one. The guilt you are made to feel just by the reaction of them going into someone else’s care is enough to pull those heartstrings. But again humour raises its head; my daughters would come out with all these beautiful hairstyles that the nursery staff had created yet would not let me near them with a brush. The clinging to me and crying at the door to the nursery room and the guilt of leaving them yet when you pick them up they are too busy with their little friends to give you even a cursory glance and say “I’m hungry mummy”. They might even have the cheek to even cry when leaving their nursery staff before being handed back to you. Smile sweetly whilst inside you are jealous as hell.
Only to do it all again the next morning.

Seeing your child soak up like a sponge their phonics and learning to read letters fills your heart. But when they are adamant that a ‘e’ sound is a ‘i’ and the word pest becomes pist is being shouted at the top of their voice then you have to laugh. Not to mention the new word this week by her elder sister is Homophone, and the mispronunciations that has had, not to mention Re-cock-nis [recognise].

Sometime I question my life choices and other times I can share and laugh in the humorous side to parenting. There are so many I write them down on my phone only to delete them by accident. The good ones are always remembered as they will be talked about to grandparents and friends when you share the parenting funnies. It’s not always fun, smiles and laughter but when I do take a look back I can see the funny side, even if I didn’t feel it was at the time. There’s always the guilt, I herd once thy if you don’t feel guilty at some point as. Print then you are not doing it right. I would suggest I feel guilty 70% of the time pretty much on a daily basis so there you have it. I have 100% passed the parenting test!


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