Maybe I should’ve seen it coming, maybe I took my eye off the ball.
I didn’t see it coming
I didn’t see my downfall
Which came first, feeling down because I was ill or feeling ill because I felt down?
Does it really matter does that really matter at all?
All I know is that my body broke it down for me. Told me clearly in no uncertain terms. Look after yourself mama or I will make you.
It seems harsh that my own body would treat me this way but what do you do if you’re not listened to? Shout louder or do something extreme? I wasn’t listening, shouting til I screamed.
At first it’s the grumps, then tiredness and slumps. Eating left overs and showering after the school run. Only I forget to do that.
Putting my hair up in its messy, “having a shower” bun and leaving it in all day. Forgetting to take it out for days, when I do I don’t need a hair band, the tangles keep it in place.
Feeling nauseous, head banging and body aches. I can’t keep awake in the day yet long to sleep at night. Until in the end I need to share my feelings with a friend.
Nails and skin bleeding, raw and sore. Feeling of guilt of my self destruct is clear for all to see. Clear that is to all those who want to.
They say that your mind is your worse enemy in my case it’s true. I don’t even know when I will stop feeling this blue. I long for the days when the sunshine penetrates through and I can feel my body warming to its soothing touch.
Summer is coming but for now the weather is a mixture of clouds and rain.
I wrote this last week. When I was just realising that my body which I hadn’t been listening to was finally telling me that I needed to look after myself. For the first time in a year I called in sick at work. I literally dropped the girls off at school and picked them up. I went no where, saw no one during the day, didn’t wash, hardly ate, watched tv boxsets, Facebook stalked and generally felt dreadful. I slept and dozed, felt guilty for not making an effort, felt guilty for making myself feel this way, felt guilty for the things I wasn’t doing and guilty for things I was. It was a never ending cycle. The bank holiday weekend was looming and all I could think of was that my husband was working two of the days and how would I get through this. It came and went in a blur. I did take the girls to a birthday party which I had thought about bailing out of or asking hubby to take them so I didn’t have to see anyone but then I realised I was self sabotaging my recovery process. I needed to see my friends. They could see straight away I wasn’t myself. I couldn’t hide it and didn’t want to. But a few hours was enough to zap my energy and leave me exhausted again.
I had hopes of venturing out to the woods with the girls and the family dog we were looking after but even that thought wasn’t enough to get us out the door. The girls were fine, they knew I wasn’t feeling well; they mainly think that’s it’s a cold and were more than happy to take advantage of the TV being on and no stresses about doing homework. They even played really nicely together creating their own games. It make sure me feel very proud of them.
Back to the reality of work commitments and this meant venturing out and talking to others. It’s been good for me to be forced to do it. I know it’s not good to wallow in this self pity. I’m slowly coming out of the fog but I know this is a blip in my recovery.
I put my all into the long Easter holidays and had loads of fun but now I realise that I didn’t put myself first during any of it. This has to be a must for me and I’m only just working that one out and trying not to feel guilty about it!
It’s maternal mental health week this week and I’m proud to be a part of it. I share my pnd story and my ups and downs as a mum publicly so that others know that it’s not an easy journey.
I know this feeling shall pass but for now I’m just soldiering on, taking one day at a time.
Much love to my #pndfamily too who are doing an amazing job promoting maternal mental health