Totally chilled.
That’s how I feel at this moment, sat on a Cypriot beach in my Joan Collins hat watching the girls build sand castles and my husband look for fishes near the rocks. A beautiful family scene and one which I could never have imagined 4 years ago.
Postnatal depression and postnatal anxiety do that to you. It robs you of memories you are yet to create. It tells you that this memory can never happen as you will always feel this way. It reminds you that you were once able to do this quite easily and now you can’t and you’re a mess.
The anxiety would set in when you were considering the holiday. On a good day you decide to think about booking somewhere to get away. The drab grey British weather demands you think about sunny skies and holiday get sways. Everyone talks about sunshine and you want a bit of it. Let do it you say, and when you’re about to press purchase you have second thoughts. Packing; you cant even leave the house without the kitchen sink and that’s to go to soft play how are you going to even consider getting on a plane? Your mind will wander, the house you have stayed in before now seems to be the most dangerous place you can envisage. With marble floors babies can slip on, glass tables with corners sharp enough to take an eye out, banisters with gaps to roll under and patio step to jump off and break ankle. Terrifying.
I’ve been there and I’ve also seemingly managed to overcome those anxieties and actually book the flight. Last time we came away was 3 yrs ago and although I was able to wrestle all those anxieties away my body still was set to remind me that all was not okay. I remember we had arrived and decided to pop out to the supermarket to buy some bits and pieces. I said to hubby to stay in the car with the girls as I was only going to be quick. I started to fill the trolley and then I started to get the griping pains of the end result of my physical symptoms of anxiety. I looked to the tills, they were busy. I could feel myself getting clammy. There was no alternative, I had to leave, we had to get back to the house and the bathroom there fast and right now.
I abandoned the half full trolley and raced out to the car, telling my hubby we need to
go NOW! I even looked around in case I really did need to crouch down somewhere. He drove, confused, the girls asking questions; where’s the food mummy?
I made it back in time, just. And then the reality hit me. I may have defied the anxiety during the first day of travelling but the anxiety was still there lurking just to let me know I still wasn’t quite okay.
Nowadays I still get moments of anxiety but generally I understand my body better. I don’t worry too much if I have these incidents as I know it’s my body’s way of keeping me in check.
Sitting with a book in my knee looking out to the most gorgeous view I feel very lucky. I survived post natal anxiety and I’ve come to terms better with the anxiety I’m left with. And best of all I’ve enjoyed my family holiday from start to finish.
itsamumslife2016 